In coming home, you realize you’ve grown up by not growing up at all. You see everything you once thought you believed being questioned. You experience difference in spurts rather than in gradual increments.
For three and a half years, I’ve bounced between brief stints at home and longer periods away at school or abroad. Each time I return, I notice slight changes. My bedroom floor a bit less cluttered. My mom’s cooking all the more savory. My brother emerging from his shell and my sister rooting herself more firmly in her new life.
In looking back to where I stood all those years ago, however, I see that my life has transformed in leaps and bounds. I’ve discovered that home is a constant, yet forever a source of change.
Instead of planning where I might end up for a summer, I’m planning where I might live permanently. Instead of nonchalant chats with friends, I turn to those closest to me to share the burden of my past. Instead of floating along, I dive deeper to truly know and understand.
I constantly ask myself: Is this growing up? Will situations continue to be more and more complex? Where are the beauty and the joy in all the seriousness?
I can’t help but crave the days when you could smile at a friend and the smile she returns is authentic, not a way to hide her suffering. When you could present yourself free from inhibitions, or simply forget something for the sake of forgetting.
Now there are always reservations and far too few risks, forgetting isn’t always an option and the pain never fails to bubble to the surface.
So yes, this is growing up. The challenges that present themselves are greater, and the wounds inflicted are deeper. But does that mean I must abandon who I am, who I was and everything I believe in order to face what comes my way?
You stick to your roots. You channel your inner-child. You mock invincibility.
We’re all lost, but we’ll all be found.
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“If you’re gonna cry my tears / If you’re gonna hold my breath / If you’re gonna let me see the sun you set / Oh, I am lost and found.” -Katie Herzig